Herman, MN
Website
by Suzy Dickhausen Weiand
Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now (C'mon baby do the loco-motion)
I know you'll get to like it
If you give it a chance now
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)
My little baby sister can do it with ease
It's easier than learning your a b c's
So come on, come on,
Do the loco-motion with me
Life is a banquet
Now that you can do it
Let's make a chain now
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)
Chug-a chug-a motion like a railway train now
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)
Do it nice and easy now don't lose control
A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul
So come on, come on,
Do the loco-motion with me …
Originally performed by Little Eva in 1962
In my life there have always been folks I can depend on for specific things. I could always depend on my mom and dad to bring us over some groceries when times were tough; I could always depend on my
sister Patti for good Christian advice; I could always depend on Cousin Dale for a fishing trip; And I could always count on Cousin Vicki for a rousing game of Scrabble. The list goes on and on. I am
truly blessed. Well, that is up until recently.
I have been let down, down, down. I feel almost violated. June 20th 2008 I had a wedding to go to. As I had packed on a few pounds, clothes were a bit of an issue. Finding something to wear is never easy, especially when your weight is up and your closet is looking bleak. But I found something that would go on. I figured if I wore enough eye makeup and blush no one would notice my seams being pressure tested. Besides, I had folks I could depend on. I depended on them for being…well, how can I put this delicately? Well, I don’t think I can – so I’ll just say it. There were always people I could count on to be fat. They were fat with me. Once in a blue moon someone would stray from the pack and drop some weight, but that was OK because there was always an ex-thin person (cousin, aunt, brother- in-law, etc.) who had gained a bunch of weight so it evened things out.
My point being you didn’t have to stand out from the crowd and feel bad about your girth.
Ah, yes. But, this wedding event was different. All those chubby relatives had gotten thinner. Shocked doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt. Cousins, cousins-in-law, friends of the family, even my sister, Lori – had all lost bulk. There I was – The Last Fatty Standing. Oh sure, I wasn’t the very, very Last Fatty Standing, but I was close enough. Dangerously close. Some of these people were mere images of their former selves. They looked great! But, me? Fat
was going extinct and I was no T-rex.
Then like in a nightmare the DJ was playing “Do the Locomotion.” As the line of dancers came my way I knew all was lost. They cornered me, grabbing me into their ever so embarrassing line of jumping and hopping and kicking locomoting world. In front of me was a skinny little woman. I held her shoulders and feared that my big meat-hook
hands might break her back. Behind me holding onto where my waist
should have been was a little guy I didn’t know. I turned around once and saw fear in his eyes. Poor fellow didn’t know what the heck
he had a-hold of but the look on his face said he didn’t care for it.
As our line continued to “Do the Locomotion” I felt like de-railing in the bar. But it was no good. Let me tell you, when you’ve got a caboose like mine The Locomotion can be hazardous to your health as
well as to others! Once those drinking, dancing fools get you on their track there is no getting off. We danced by The Old Boy who was sitting at the bar (no shocker there). Out-of-breath, I beckoned him to join me. What I saw in his eyes stopped me cold from asking twice. How I wish my eyes could say “go away you idiots and leave me alone.”
The Locomotion Dance seemed to last 2 or 3 hours. Then The Birdie dance started and I made a mad dash to the bathroom. I don’t recall The Hokey-Pokey, but I might have blocked it out.
Dear Lord, it was horrifying. It was such a terrible experience that I have now lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks in hopes that I will never feel so alone again. I do not care to be the last fat rat on a sinking ship so now I’m thinking it’s each fatty for themselves. Please don’t think I’m getting cocky about this weight loss thing. I’m sure it won’t last long. My only hope is that it lasts through one or two Locomotions…Here’s to nuts and twigs, Bon Appetite!
PS: I hope the guy who was video taping the dang thing falls upon
hard times and locusts eat his tape.
List of 10 ways you can tell when you are close to being The Last
Fatty Standing:
10) Cousin Arlene has lost so much weight you can’t rest your beer
on her butt anymore
9) Your sister is down to one chin
8) When Uncle Fred does the Hokey Pokey and “shakes it all about”
people don’t go flying off the dance floor
7) Cousin Lidia wasn’t asked to leave the buffet by the rent-a-cop
6) When your drunken brother-in-law falls on the dance floor it
doesn’t make the DJ’s record skip
5) Auntie Maude isn’t reprimanded for licking the wedding cake
4) Cousin Alice doesn’t ask the bartender to put two scoops of ice
cream in her whiskey Coke
3) Your sister Patti doesn’t ask everyone in the building and
surrounding tri-state area “Are you going to eat your frosting?” as
she jabs her fork into your cake
2) You don’t see drunken women in the bathroom wrestling back into
their girdles – they’re just in there throwing up
And the number 1 reason you can tell that you’re nearly The Last
Fatty Standing at a wedding dance is…
1) There’s a big fight at the buffet for the last of the lettuce
salad but it’s only you and Uncle Knut slugging it out over the
biggest piece of fried chicken left in the pan.