Herman, MN

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by Suzy Weiand

    Three o’clock in the morning and there’s a bang, bang, bang, on my  door.  I thought for sure it was the police telling me that one of mykids had been arrested. Then I remembered that my kids were only 10,  9, and 5.  They wouldn’t be picked up by the police for years.  So,  who was it?  It was my sister, Lori.  

 

Call me Ethel

    I shall henceforth call her Lucy and by the end of this story you will understand why.

     Lucy, is not only my sister, she is also my neighbor.  Lucy has a  real enthusiasm for life.  Some times she’s way too happy about goofy  

stuff.  And this was one of those times.

    

    “Open the door, open the door!” she screamed as she continued pounding on my door.  I quietly yelled at her “Keep it down, The Old  Boy and the kids are sleeping.”  “What’s wrong?” I added.  To this she joyfully replied that nothing was wrong, as a matter of fact everything was great.  She then ordered me to get my shoes on and to  put a coat on over my nightgown and go with her.  Time was of the  essence.  She grabbed my arm and dragged me to her car.  “Get in,” she said.   I got in.  Then she proceeded to tell me that we were the  luckiest people around and “Wait till you see it! “ She stomped down on the gas peddle and we flew out of my driveway.  We took a hard  left, crossed the railroad tracks, took another hard left and there  it was.  “Look there” she said, as she pointed and pulled over to the  side of the road.  “Ain’t it great, Suzy? And it’s all ours.  I’ll  share it with you if you help me get it in my trunk.”

 

    Still in shock  from being taken from my bed in the middle of the night, my mind was  fuzzy.  What was it that she was pointing at?  Was it a bag of  money?  A box of gold?  Something of great value for sure, I  thought.  Then my eyes started to focus.  And I saw it.  The biggest dead deer I had ever seen.  A huge doe.  I felt like crying for the  poor creature.  But all Lucy could see was venison chops on the grill.

    She told me to get out of the car.  Lucy can be very convincing when  she’s on one of her missions, so I got out of the car.  Just as we  walked up to Bambi’s dead mother, another car pulled off the road and  parked behind us.  Oh great.  There I stood sockless in a pair of old  tennis shoes with a beat up old windbreaker partially covering my  nightgown.  Because this guy hadn’t turned his headlights off the  light temporarily blinded me.  

 

    Then he stepped in front of the glare  and I could see all 6’4 of him.  A brilliant blue, button-down  Hawaiian shirt did its best to cover his 280 pound girth.  His look was pulled together with cut off jeans and bare feet.  At this point  I’m thinking it’s 3 in the morning and this guy figures since there’s  no one around he’ll just kill me and Lucy  for laughs.  But instead of talking murder he said I’ll take the deer.”   I guess he thought  we had just hit the poor thing and were standing around wondering  what to do.  This was Lucy’s deer.  The guy didn’t have a chance.  In a very authoritative voice Lucy says “Not a chance, this is mine.”  

 

    “Give him the deer,” I whispered in a voice that said I want to  live.  “I’ll give you a hand with it,” says the talking mountain. We’re fine here, just leave,” says Lucy in a voice so threatening I  almost asked the stranger for a lift home.  Anyway, he got the  message.  He hunched his shoulders, schlepped off to his car and  pulled away - quickly.

 

    By this time, Lucy had popped her trunk and demanded that I “get the  head,” while she took the hind quarters.  She counted to three and said “Lift!“

“I can’t,” I protested.  Her beautiful eyes were  staring at me.  Not Lucy’s, the deer’s.  “Suzy, get a move on!”  Lucy  ordered.  “Ok, Ok” I cried.  So, we did it.  The deer was in the  trunk and the trunk was bungeed down.  Not to say it was a perfect  fit - as the deer’s head, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth  dangled out of the trunk, we pulled back onto the highway.

 

    Lucy was pleased with the fruits of our labor.  “Let’s go over to Mom and Dad’s.  Dad will be very happy to gut and clean this thing.”  Of  course I knew that Lucy was right about this.  She and Dad often saw  eye-to-eye on things of this nature.  I passed on that little  adventure as gutting a dear was not on my to-do list.  So Lucy  reluctant to give up her Ethel - took me home.

 

    Before I got out of the car Lucy told me that she was on her way home  from work and never thought in a million years this would happen.  “Me either,” I said as I climbed out of her car, went into my house  and crawled back into my nice warm bed.  Before I fell asleep I found  myself wishing that my family liked the taste of venison.

 

    Oddly enough it’s moments like these that make me stop and laugh and  realize how much I love my sister, Lori.  Anyone who thinks road-kill  is a great find has to be pretty happy with what ever life deals  them.   Happy people are fun to be around. “It’s true I Love Lucy.”

 

PS:  If you ever see a woman sticking a deer in her trunk - I strongly suggest that you just keep on driving.  Thanks for listening.